Wanted Horror Houseguest for small 2 BHK (all of 750 sq ft) already-crowded flat in Mumbai (always in a rush). The Candidate (or candidates – i.e self plus family including pesky kids – the more the horror-ier) must possess the following abilities:
- He must arrive at an inconvenient time (past midnight on a weekday, preferably).
- He must strew his clothes and wet towels all over the place, including the backs of dining chairs.
- He must make all HIS calls (local/national/international) from YOUR phone, giving the excuse that his phone gets charged extra when he makes calls while ROAMING (Well, what about the huge amount of shopping he is daily doing and stashing in your already-full flat while roaming in the malls and markets of Sale-crazy Mumbai?) And, yet, whenever you want to charge your phone-battery, you see his phone hogging the charger.
- He must demand to be hydrated with numerous cups of tea throughout the day.
- He must bathe at least three times a day, forgetting each time to switch off the geyser, put up the toilet seat or close the taps properly.
- He must liberally use your talcs, lotions, deodorants and combs.
- He must also finish off the ice-cream in the fridge and the after-mints/saunf on the sideboard.
- He must never, ever offer to help with the housework.
- He must reject the sandwiches for breakfast you had prepared for him before rushing to work (while he was still blissfully snoring), and order double-egg omelettes from the maid. You are left with stale sandwiches for dinner, a good thing probably, because you are also short of eggs for the curry you had planned to make for the said dinner.
- He must never inform you about his sightseeing/business/other activities for which he has ostensibly come to Mumbai, and for which your benighted flat is just a basecamp. So, when you cook for him, he returns late, reeking of Macdonalds/KFC/vada pao (and you can have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow). And when you don’t cook for him, he turns up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, demanding dinner and keeping you awake way past your bedtime with stories of his thrilling exploits at Gateway of India/Juhu Beach/Inorbit Mall/Siddhivinayak Temple/whatever.
- When he is not sight-seeing, he must sit on the most comfortable chair in the house, put his feet up on another, and hog the TV remote while you are forced to lurk in the kitchen.
- And, most importantly, he absoloutely must promise (and keep his promise) to return soon, preferably three (or more) times a year. And each time, he must overstay his welcome and turn your life upside-down for the duration of the stay.
Interested candidates may contact the undersigned, who has been suffering from severe guest-itis for the past one week.
