Wednesday, October 15, 2008

MISSING YOU, MA

My mother, who was staying with me for the past month, has gone back to her Bangalore home today. I always feel very mopey and maudlin whenever my ma goes away. It feels as if there’s a little girl trapped inside my undeniably grown-up self, howling and crying copiously, making my eyes prickle with tears at the slightest reason.

I feel so BEREFT, like a boat whose moorings have been washed away. Now no more will I come back from work to see ma sitting hunched up at the table in one of her faded gowns, frowning over her daily quota of sudoku. No more can I just demand that she makes my favourite tangra-machher jhol (tangra fish-curry) or other ma-special dishes that I look forward to for the entire year. No more will I feel that urge to gossip desultorily while working in the kitchen together, lapsing into silence now and then, and picking up any skein of gossip from a familiar pattern. No more of that ma-only feeling of tripti (satisfaction) and shanti (peace). TILL HER NEXT VISIT.

As I folded and kept her sarees and towel (she always has a stock of clothes at my place) back in the cupboard, my eyes welled up and I felt so lost.

And then, later on, when I was taking something out of the fridge, I found a china jar full of a tomato-date-tamarind chutney she had made just the way I like to have. Crying and smiling at the same time, licking the chutney from my fingers, I re-discovered what comfort-food is all about.

11 comments:

Jaquanda Rae said...

Oh Suk, I feel your pain and encourage you to give your Mom a call soon.

You see, the piercing thing about this post is that my best friend's Mom died yesterday. She was like a second Mom to me. And all that you say here applies.

Give your Mom a call.

SwAtI said...

Awwwwww!!!!!

Hope she visits you again very soon...
Cheers!

Ekta said...

completely relate to it!
i am very close to my mom too and i get depressed every time she leaves from my place!

arpita said...

My empathies... Sucharita, I just know how you must be feeling....it would be so nice if each one of us can stay with all our loved ones in one place as a big big happy family forever and ever isnt it ????

ugich konitari said...

Sucharita, Cheer up. More festivals to come and more visits from your Mom. Isnt it remarkable, that this Mom daughter thing is never affected by age, status, or distance.....

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Hi jaquanda

I already did, in fact she, too called me. I feel so bad about your friend's mom. Death is too big a thing for words, at least till time blunts the pain. SORRY.

Hi Swati, UK, Arpita,and Ekta,

Thanks, I've cheered up again.

Niladri said...

Very aptly put....all those feelings like 'tripti' and 'shanti' are things which i felt with my ma, but could never put into words...everytime i come away leaving my parents at the departure looking sad and forlorn, i have mixed feelings of pain and anxiety, hoping to see them well and safe on my return. Its a strange feeling....i can see how u feel...dont be sad and cheer up!

sukku said...

Thanks for sharing

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Hi Niladri(rini) and Sukku,

thanks!!!

Pradip Biswas said...

The write up touched me very much as I remmber my mother whom I Last saw her at my Talpukur(Barrackpore, a suburb of Kolkata)flat before leaving for SaudiArabia on May 2003. Whenever I return back to my lonely flat her belongings and her unpublished manuscripts I feel She is just there. Why you brought tears to my eyes?

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Hi Pradip,

Isn't it a coincidence that I used to live near Talpukur , too? The Internet is truly a net, isn't it, connecting people in amazing ways.