Wednesday, February 11, 2009

WANTED: HORROR HOUSEGUESTS

Wanted Horror Houseguest for small 2 BHK (all of 750 sq ft) already-crowded flat in Mumbai (always in a rush). The Candidate (or candidates – i.e self plus family including pesky kids – the more the horror-ier) must possess the following abilities:

- He must arrive at an inconvenient time (past midnight on a weekday, preferably).
- He must strew his clothes and wet towels all over the place, including the backs of dining chairs.
- He must make all HIS calls (local/national/international) from YOUR phone, giving the excuse that his phone gets charged extra when he makes calls while ROAMING (Well, what about the huge amount of shopping he is daily doing and stashing in your already-full flat while roaming in the malls and markets of Sale-crazy Mumbai?) And, yet, whenever you want to charge your phone-battery, you see his phone hogging the charger.
- He must demand to be hydrated with numerous cups of tea throughout the day.
- He must bathe at least three times a day, forgetting each time to switch off the geyser, put up the toilet seat or close the taps properly.
- He must liberally use your talcs, lotions, deodorants and combs.
- He must also finish off the ice-cream in the fridge and the after-mints/saunf on the sideboard.
- He must never, ever offer to help with the housework.
- He must reject the sandwiches for breakfast you had prepared for him before rushing to work (while he was still blissfully snoring), and order double-egg omelettes from the maid. You are left with stale sandwiches for dinner, a good thing probably, because you are also short of eggs for the curry you had planned to make for the said dinner.
- He must never inform you about his sightseeing/business/other activities for which he has ostensibly come to Mumbai, and for which your benighted flat is just a basecamp. So, when you cook for him, he returns late, reeking of Macdonalds/KFC/vada pao (and you can have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow). And when you don’t cook for him, he turns up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, demanding dinner and keeping you awake way past your bedtime with stories of his thrilling exploits at Gateway of India/Juhu Beach/Inorbit Mall/Siddhivinayak Temple/whatever.
- When he is not sight-seeing, he must sit on the most comfortable chair in the house, put his feet up on another, and hog the TV remote while you are forced to lurk in the kitchen.
- And, most importantly, he absoloutely must promise (and keep his promise) to return soon, preferably three (or more) times a year. And each time, he must overstay his welcome and turn your life upside-down for the duration of the stay.


Interested candidates may contact the undersigned, who has been suffering from severe guest-itis for the past one week.

15 comments:

ugich konitari said...

Sucharita, No, I am not applying as a candidate :-) , but making you a standing offer of a quiet week at my house, should you manage to escape from this guest attack. (when my son was aroun 12, I had some guests with kids who stayed on like this, and their son even broke my son's tabletennis bat into two, because he lost a game. His parents smiled indulgently. They were like that only.....)

SGD said...

Hello!
Was reading your blogposts and could gather that your copy-kitten is almost a photocopy of my 3yr old!
YOur guesteritis made me relive some similar horrifying guest experiences. They leave you drained & fuming and yet one has to have the plastic smile firmly in place and the 'come again' at the end of the whole nightmare!! UUUUGHHH...

Lazyani said...

I thoroughly empathise as I have been all through that since the time I was able to think on my own.

Our small quarter in Durgapur was a veritable holiday home for all and sundry.

And till today, I do not know how to DEAL with these people.

Pradip Biswas said...

Some of the qualities I do have as pointed out my wife from time to time. The qualities I do not have I shall try to achieve them because detoriation of human character to become an animal does not take much time. Hope I then qualify for the Houseguest you desire. Meanwhile what you keep for bashing up? hard or soft ones? I have a "kulo" in my back and lot of "Tulo" (Cotton plug)in my ear. i promise once detoriated no amount of bashing up can rectify me. My wife has studied the videoaction of my batting style and I am looking for a new grazing ground for a safe living.

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Hi UK, Prdip and Lazyani,

Thanks for commiserating. Suranga, if I do take up your offer, I promise not to turn into a houseguest from hell.

Hi SGD,

Welcome to my blog. Hope your three-year old makes you less mad most of the time than my one makes me.

lopamudra said...

I hope your resident evil is reading your blog.

The Scatterbrain said...

oof!
I am so thankful that I haven't had a guest like that so far, although I have suffered from mild guestitis. Had those guests stayed a day longer, it might have upgreaded itself to the severe type!

Take a couple of days off from cooking is possible to recover!!

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Hi Lopa,

I'm a total smiley-faced hypocrite in this matter. Please don't blow my cover.

Hi Scatterbrain,

U R right. Thankfully, the spouse also had the same idea.

Lilly's Life said...

Oh that sounds horrid. You poor thing. You will just have to be busy the next time he says he is coming to visit. People are so inconsiderate but if you dont tell him he wil never ever know. Is he a relative that you cant possibly say anything too?

Ranu said...

Sucharita you made me relive all my worst memories!!! Truly I count days when they will go and the worst part being cant say anything to them!!!

so much for atithi devobhava!!!!

Lady Hope said...

hi sucharita,

the worst part is after pampering the house guest without a complaint, they start believing that you actually enjoy having them over.

with lots of love

Pinku said...

only suggestion....pay the guys back in their own coin...and take your next vaction in their city...that should put things in the right perspective for them...

and just to add the icing...allow them to babysit your kids while you go out shopping as well...

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Hi Pinku, Lady Hope, Lilly and Ranu,

Thanks for the commiseration. It's rather amazing how people change when they are on the wrong side of the guest-host divide.

Sucharita Sarkar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mystic Margarita said...

LoL! How did I miss this one? This was hilarious! (I mean for us, readers - but I can imagine how horrible it must have been for you). Luckily I haven't had such guests yet.